That gut check…

Nothing like finding out that you as a person is in fact not okay. Since I was really young my life has been full of turmoil. Yes I know those have had it worse than me but my therapist said don’t down play what has effected you.

So here I am in class a few weeks in repeating my senior semester in nursing school and we are going over psychology AGAIN. Anxiety, depression, ptsd, all that good stuff and it hit me. Crap I’m depressed and have panic attacks. I have for years. I just thought I had some weird third heart beat that my heart doc said I had.

The worst panic attack I experienced was when I found out I had to repeat a semester. I get why people think they are having a heart attack. My heart felt like it was going to explode and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I knew I was stressed but I didn’t realize what was going on.

When I realized all this I felt like my world stopped. I couldn’t focus on anything. My mind was racing wondering how I could miss this? How long have I been feeling this way? All the things that happened in my life and all my feelings came rushing like a tsunami. I went to my instructors with all this and they were concerned I was having a break down and that I needed to get seen right away by a counselor. I was so thankful for their mother bird instincts. They were so protective of me and banded together to make sure I had a quiet place and find a place that would see me that same day.

Thankfully I was seen that day. Needless to say I cried and cried and cried. She just sat there and held my hand and said that I was safe. She told me to let it out and that it’s okay.

That was my beginning of my healing. Just realizing that I had a problem was that first step. It baffled me how I could be dealing with this and love God. I was thankful for my life and God. It doesn’t matter what your faith if you don’t deal with your emotions properly your emotions will make you pay attention eventually.

Who’s your master?

Think of what takes up most of your time. If you don’t know then I challenge you for a week to write down the activities of each day and about how long you did them. I’m sure there are apps and most cell phones can now track your use. I am sure by the end of the week you will know where your heart is. Maybe you already know before doing all that.

I got off track in a big way when my husband told me about the game on the phone. I checked it out. It was fun to me. I played, and played. Played every chance I could get. It quickly took over my life. Literally every chance I was playing it. I knew I was playing too much. I tried to limit myself. I found myself really addicted. It was like when I used to smoke cigarettes. I’d be anxious to get my cigarette break. It was that bad. I don’t like feeling controlled. All the sudden while driving I found myself fighting wanting to be on the game. At a traffic light I deleted it.

On the journey of self-awareness I have been paying attention to how I feel, how I spend my time, and the effects of it on my body. I discovered my need for silence. Not all the time. Just a moment out of the day or every few days that I sit in silence. My biggest need is my time with God. To talk to him and read about him and his people. It makes me feel at peace. The more I spend time with him and learn about him I can feel him speaking to me.

It took me away from my family, from God, from work and was threatening my life. I was getting more anxious playing it. It had me hooked wanting to achieve each goal, to the next goal and the next. All the while I have things and family at home needing attention. I needed my time with God. I needed my silence. For a game that I gain nothing from. It controlled me.

What controls your time? Is it something that is meaningful and helpful to reach your goals. Do you have goals? There are many types of goals. That is for another time but what is something you want or what you want changed? Think of what holds you back and is it worth it?

For myself, deleting the game was needed so I can focus on the things to keep me emotionally healthy. Take time to really think about what you want and how you feel. Feel free to message me.

A little girl and her daddy.

I caught myself chuckling at a dad brushing his daughter’s very curly hair. It tickled me to see a dad involved in hair care with his daughter. It was the sweetest thing to watch as she would say “ouch that hurt”. Of course it was hurting since he was not starting at the tip of the hair to detangle then work his way up. I was just impressed to this happening at all.

Oh course he heard me chuckle. I apparently wasn’t aware of myself staring with a weird smile. He almost looked offended as he said “what?” I was caught off guard since I was unaware of my creepiness lol. I told him how it was so sweet to see them together and how he’s taking care of her. He seemed to be okay with that. Lol.

It’s important to have dads around for both kids but right now I’m gonna talk about how specifically little girls need their dads attention. They need their daddy to teach them how they should be treated. Take them on dates. Spend time with them to know that they are special. Tell them how boys are evil except him and that he will know when a boy isn’t. It gives a little girl security. It has her feeling loved and special. So when a boy comes along saying you are special. She will say, “I know.” And know that she deserves the world like daddy gives her.

I love my father very much. Unfortunately my time with him as a child was taken away with him. I was mad that he left but still loved him. I loved my mom and I felt I had to protect her. So I would make her feel better by reassuring her I wouldn’t leave her. My mom did the best she could. She had a lot going on and hurt from the past. She made me feel like I was betraying her if I seemed like I was okay with dad.

It really effected me. I felt abandoned and betrayed. I felt overwhelmed with having to make sure mom was okay. I was probably around 9 (I think) when they split. I looked for attention and acceptance through boys and friends. I just wanted to have fun and not think of all the crap at home.

Eventually I grow up as we all do. Every step of the way realizing issues here and there have to do with the need of my father when I was young. The past can’t be changed and so I now do what I can to enjoy what time I do get with my father.

Fathers, be the man you want her to marry someday. Teach her how she should be treated by treating her and her mom the way she should be treated. No one is perfect but for the fact that, when you try, you will change her world and shape her to be a strong respectable woman.

Neither beauty nor character will be enough…

Don’t think your beauty will be enough to keep someone you love. One day your Beauty will fade and no amount of plastic surgery will fix it. You have your character or personality that is forever. The very essence of who you are is with you a lifetime. Sure people can change but you are mostly still you.

No one is perfect and you will never find the perfect one. There will always be something that someone won’t like about you and you about them. In reality, you will never be enough for your partner and in turn he won’t be for you.

Having a successful relationship is truly complicated and hard. It’s so much work and even more so when one or both partners have issues of there own. I can say from experience. I would highly suggest deep soul searching, counseling for yourself and couple counseling before marriage. Heck I’d say research all you can about marriage before dating. I’d pass it on to your kids to save them grief.

There is so much pain in the struggle of marriage when not entered cautiously and prepared. The stress is unbelievable and in today’s world where we are already broken and stressed out. If you don’t deal with your own crap, it will wreck house along with your partners crap.

The point I’m making is you can be the most wonderful, stunning person but if your partner has issues you won’t be enough. Each person has to be mentally, emotionally, financially stable to have the best chance at marriage.

Wilderness in the mind

I find myself in the wilderness between madness and sanity. Day’s go by and I realize how much I don’t know myself. Each day I am seeking who I am.

Growing up in upheave and unrest I subconsciously learned to disassociate myself with all the uncomfortable feelings. I only looked for things to do that was distracting. I avoided anything unpleasant. My memory has huge gaps when I try to think upon unhappy times.

As a raging river overflowing a dam; my emotions began spilling out of me the day I realized how depressed I was. My issues was hidden from myself. I betrayed myself. I was a stranger to myself.

I am now learning to be mindful of how I feel. It is as if I’m a baby learning how to walk. “What’s this feeling?” I’ll think to myself. I will now realize when my body is saying I need a moment to nurture myself. Coloring, playing the piano or even reading has been my get away. Reading was actually a surprise to me.

“Now what?” I asked my therapist. “I know to be mindful of how I feel and I am taking steps to take care of myself. Now what?” I know I have a whole bunch of past things that have not been dealt with emotionally. In a way I feel better but I am aware of the festering wounds of my heart.

Moonlit faced intruder

What woke me up was the feeling of being moved. Groggy, I thought it was my mom’s boyfriend playing a prank. It wasn’t him.

That day I went to the movies with my mom and her boyfriend. They were going to go alone but decided to bring me. My brother was going to be with her girlfriend at her family’s camp. It was a normal day.

We came back from the movies and I had the worst migraine headache I ever had. I went right to bed. Didn’t have my music on like I normally do. My mom usually would sleep on the down stairs couch. That night she went to her room.

This guy came in the house and tied my hands and gagged my mouth so tight that it ripped under my tongue. It was then at that point I struggled realizing this was not mom’s boyfriend. I’m being gagged and I can’t breathe!

He put a knife to my throat and was trying to quite me. I didn’t care because I couldn’t breathe. My nose was like it was filled with cement. In my mind I said “Jesus! Help me I can’t breathe!”. That second my nose became completely clear. I was able to think now.

Here I am a 12 year old girl supposedly safe in my room and I could see this guys moon lit face over me. I felt like I’ve seen him before. I had no time to dwell on that. The fact that he didn’t have a mask on told me he meant to kill me when he was done.

At this point he was cutting my clothes off. Embarrassment, violation and a deep sickening at the pit of my stomach is what I felt. At least those moments of violation gave me a chance to think of how to escape. I knew he was planning to rape me. If he was to do that he would need his pants off. That was the moment I needed. He would place his knife hand down to balance himself while he unbuttoned his pants.

The time came. He put his knife had down on the bed and proceeded to unbutton his pants. I jumped into action. Swung my legs around and attempted to kick him over. He didn’t fall over. He lunged the knife towards me and I grabbed the blade of the knife. He pulled back to strike again in a different spot and I grabbed the blade again. At that point I realized that the gag fell off and I screamed.

My 16 year old brother said he could hear noises from my room and went to check it out. When I screamed is when he came through the door. My brother made this primal deep yell that startled me and the intruder. He came in and slammed the guy against the wall punched him a couple times and then threw him on the ground continuing the blows.

At this point my mom came in and started screaming along with my brother’s girlfriend. I had to yell at them to call 911 and followed them downstairs to make sure they were. Of course mom called her boyfriend who was a cop but in a town an hour away lol. I could hear him say “get off the phone with me and call 911!”. Teddys girlfriend had to do it.

A rumble of movement came barreling down the stairs. I saw the intruder first then my brother. It was like time froze for a good minute. We all stared at each other and he left out the front door at the bottom of the steps running half naked down the street.

We all crumbled to the floor holding each other sobbing. I don’t know for how long. I then realized that I was practically naked. I only had my tank top and bikini top that was cut up middle in the front.

It was like I was a walking zombie. I felt so numb. That same morning I wanted to go shopping though. While my mom and brother were a mess. I disassociated myself from my feelings and acted fine. I had to tell the story to the police. I had to tell it to lawyers as well. I did it all with ease.

The man turned himself in that day. Why? I don’t know. I was right though about having seen him before. He and his wife brought his kid to my moms in home daycare. He was a paramedic. Goes to show you that you never know about a person. He watched our house for a year and even had a written plan of that night on his computer.

I shared this in hopes that maybe this will help someone in someway. Maybe that person won’t feel alone. Or maybe it will help bring awareness to the people and the things around us. He got in because our bulkhead door to the basement was unlocked. Lock your doors, keep your shades drawn at night and keep in mind to stay calm in dangerous situations. To those who have been violated, attacked, raped or all of the above. Talk to someone about it. Don’t let it control your life. Be careful and thoughtful to be safe but don’t allow it to rob you of your happiness. Remember that it’s not your fault.